Lost
During the past few weeks, those who had probably noticed, usually they come up to me ask :" Are you ok? You seem quiet." Usually I force a smile, and said I'm ok. The truth is, I'm lost.
It started 40 days ago, when our church declared a U -turn 40 day fast and prayer. I gave it a lot of thought way before it started, asking God what is it that I need to fast and pray on, what is it that I needed to fast and pray about. It became clear to me. I was gonna fast on entertainment on computers. It sure was an enthusiastic me that time. I was sure I could go all the way. I was quite sure I could see breakthrough. And I did one thing, one thing which I so regret now. I decided to share about it to some people.
Why regret? Ever since I broke the news to some of my 'close friends', I actually told it with the intention that I will get the support and prayer to accomplish this feat. Instead, all I got were snickers, stiffled laughters and doubtful looks. Many thought I was joking. Though they didn't say it, I knew that many doubted me and were waiting to pounce on me the moment I fail or gave in. Many sat like wolves crouching to pounce on their prey, for any moment I touched the keyboard or the mouse, then came the stinging attacks from the tongue that pierced my already vulnerable heart. Probably I became an after-meal joke or something. I don't know. It became so, that everytime I switched on my pc even just to print my notes, I felt a sense of fear and guilt, afraid that people will start judging me, saying that I can only talk the walk.
I lasted only 30 days.
I'm not blaming anyone. I lasted 30 days relying totally on only myself and God. But I know, that for the last 10 days, for the extra mile, ALL I ever needed, was just an arm my shoulder, and encouraging word, to know that someone is there beside me. I got nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I don't open up to people. But look at what 'opening up to people' already did.
All I sense now is hurt and disappointment and shame. I don't even enjoy being with the same people before. I thought I would come out victorious during this 40 days. I got exactly the opposite. HUh.
It started 40 days ago, when our church declared a U -turn 40 day fast and prayer. I gave it a lot of thought way before it started, asking God what is it that I need to fast and pray on, what is it that I needed to fast and pray about. It became clear to me. I was gonna fast on entertainment on computers. It sure was an enthusiastic me that time. I was sure I could go all the way. I was quite sure I could see breakthrough. And I did one thing, one thing which I so regret now. I decided to share about it to some people.
Why regret? Ever since I broke the news to some of my 'close friends', I actually told it with the intention that I will get the support and prayer to accomplish this feat. Instead, all I got were snickers, stiffled laughters and doubtful looks. Many thought I was joking. Though they didn't say it, I knew that many doubted me and were waiting to pounce on me the moment I fail or gave in. Many sat like wolves crouching to pounce on their prey, for any moment I touched the keyboard or the mouse, then came the stinging attacks from the tongue that pierced my already vulnerable heart. Probably I became an after-meal joke or something. I don't know. It became so, that everytime I switched on my pc even just to print my notes, I felt a sense of fear and guilt, afraid that people will start judging me, saying that I can only talk the walk.
I lasted only 30 days.
I'm not blaming anyone. I lasted 30 days relying totally on only myself and God. But I know, that for the last 10 days, for the extra mile, ALL I ever needed, was just an arm my shoulder, and encouraging word, to know that someone is there beside me. I got nothing. Maybe it's me, maybe I don't open up to people. But look at what 'opening up to people' already did.
All I sense now is hurt and disappointment and shame. I don't even enjoy being with the same people before. I thought I would come out victorious during this 40 days. I got exactly the opposite. HUh.
