Thoughts Unleashed.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

blind trust

Have you ever trusted so blindly, that sometimes it sounds so foolish and stupid? It makes you feel so vulnerable, and so fragile, if ever disappointment hits you at the end of that road, it's gonna hit you so hard...makes you feel like you're hanging on a thread...and there's nothing you could do about it..but to trust blindly...

not trusting anyone blindly..

trusting God blindly....

so many things have to wait...wait...and wait....

and I'm not just waiting...i'm waiting but I can't see..I have to trust God to lead me...

sighs...do know the feeling..that everything in your life....your plans..your hopes..your dreams...have to be put on hold...because of the uncertainty that lies ahead...

Lord I need You more than ever now..I'm just trusting You..blind as a bat...

Feeling really fragile...I can't see it...what lies ahead....usually at least I can see a glimmer...but now..it's total darkness...can I'm groping in the dark...

Jesus, please hold my hand. And bring me to where we can dance together.

Sometimes..

The waiting gets harder...

Patience grows thin...

But I still have to try holding on to you Lord...

I can't see so far ahead..I can only take small steps at a time...

Walk ahead of me dear Lord Jesus..teach me to walk small to go far...

Teach me. Be my solace..

dear Father...dear friend..

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Fulfillment

It's funny how questions flooded my mind in the aftermath of last weekend. People see me stoning, partly it's cos I was exhausted, but mostly, it was because questions came by waves, bombarding me...questions I've yet to find the answers..

Funny how, when you worked for something so bad, and when you got it, it turned out to be nothing much at all...Would you be devastated?...or would you turn to some where else? ...or would you try again..?

All my life I thought I always wanted this...

Now I'm not so sure anymore..

Sighs. I'm not good at expressing my feelings through typing words. If you know me well enough..keke..

I've yet to find fulfillment. I'm still seeking..Or maybe it was there all along but I chose to ignore it?

Anyway, one thing is, if anyone noticed, I chose to wear ' 1 chronicles 14:11'. Not that I wanna show everyone that I'm a christian, but to remind myself, of who gave me this gift and talent..and to always keep my feet on the ground, the reason why I first held the drum sticks.

Glory and fame does not appeal to me at all. In fact the less people know of me, the better. And it's weird, but till now, I still don't know how to deal wif people complimenting me. I get stuck for words to say. My face gets red, and I mumble some stuff and hope that they change the subject.

Maybe one day I might take a direction where people would label me as foolish. Maybe one day I might take a drastic decision that it would really sound stupid. Heh. Maybe..

I did something funny yesterday the moment I woke up. I looked up, and gave up the one thing I think I'm good at to Him. To the extend, that even if one day He wants to take it away from me, I would have to give it up. Take away the sticks. Take away sitting there and kicking and whacking the drums. It's gonna hurt real bad. Buthen again, He gave. He can take away as well.


Till now, I've yet to find fulfillment..Different people are motivated by different things. I've yet to find mine...but don't worry, to you guys who are in the same business with me, I'd give a few months or at least a few weeks notice of any drastic decision..:p

Oh ya. To AVE. It's been a blast. I'm not saying it because I have to.
It's because I mean it. :)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

More than just a band

We are more than that, more than just a bunch of guys coming together and make music. More than any auditions, gigs, prom nights. In fact, the moments I treasure aren't those times when we are up on stage, but they are those conversations we share during mamak times after practice, those stupid jokes we make during our 'run through' sessions at chee meng's place, and yeah, the jack-assing during our practice sessions, and me getting 'whalloped' for doing it..:p

Yep. The trips to bentleys together...I really enjoyed my time...though it's weird for me...cos usually I'm the only one up at the drums section...where the rest will be looking around at the guitar section...heh...and usually it doesn't matter to them whatever sticks I buy..keke..they all look the same to them..just a piece of wood..no keng chao gadgets like electric guitars....:P....but it doesn't matter lar...used to it already..:p..

There are moments...when we share our live's stories to one another....our hurts...scars....our past....and even our future hopes and dreams....I treasure those...and the encouragement we get from one another....of course there are some occasions where we didn't have a choice but to inhale some erm...smoke...:p...but we're still trying to work on it...erm..i mean him...:p....

Anyway, this jz came into my mind. I guess the best time to measure the depth of a band, is when it faces failures and discouragement. Some bands just take failures as it is, and break up. But if a band comes around each other, and spur each other on after failure, I think you can see that a band, is just not a band...

I don't know what the future holds for Amplify. Of course I have long term plans. Buthen again, we never know what will happen, especially when all of us are in our final semester. Maybe we will continue....maybe we will change...I don't know...but all I know is...since we started...Amplify has taken me on a wild adventure...and brought me to places I never thought I'd be...

Here's to Amplify.



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Friday, April 14, 2006

Thanksgiving

I'm supposed to be doing my FYP now. But woke up this morning feeling so blessed. So, so blessed. I dunno why. Today is day 40. Finally managed to accomplish it. I've learnt so much, so much during this 40 days. So many things which I didn't expect to experience. And yet, when you utter the words in your prayer, when you look to the heavens, it does not go unnoticed. Yes, it's true. I don' t know about others.

It's new to me. This heart of thanksgiving and gratitude. Mebe we should learn to develope a heart of thanksgiving. Through the good times, and especially, the bad times. Mebe instead of crying to God all the time, we should start thanking God for the things He is about the accomplish through us. Heh.

Thank You, for loving me so, so much.

*skips around*

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Teach Me

When all music has faded away..
When I'm not surrounded by Christians..
When I don't feel like it..

Teach me to love You


When everything goes wrong..
When I'm all alone..
When everything else seems so attractive..

Teach me to love You


When I don't have to sing worship songs..
When I don't have to play any instruments..
When I don't have display it..

Teach me to love You

When making decisions in my life..
When arranging priorities in my life..
When guarding and holding any emotions..

Dear Jesus,

Teach me to love You,
More than anything else in this world.
More than anyone else in this world.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Suspension

I don't really fancy putting lyrics on blogs. Mebe it's cos I'm lazy to read them when I see other people putting them up. But if the song's like what I'm going through, yea, I'd put em' up.

Suspension
by Mae


Lately I'm alright
and lately I'm not scared
I've figured out,
that what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air.
I don't need to know right now
all I know is I believe
in the very thing that got us here
and now I can't leave.

Say anything, but say what you mean,
cause I'm caught in suspension.

Now,
I'm wanting this for sure
and I'll beg for nothing more.
I'll plan all day and drive all night
you'll love what's in store.
I can't seem to stop this now
even if it's not so clear,
and I'll take what I can get.
If you want me here (If you want me here)

Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
your eyes tell the same.
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe.
Cause I'm caught in suspension.

It's enough for me to get excited,
It's enough for me to feel...Oh!

Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this.
Your eyes tell the same.
We are gaining speed (suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, please say what you mean)
I'm caught in suspension (caught in suspension)
I'm caught in suspension.

Say (say) anything (suspension)
but say what you mean (Oh, please say what you mean)
I'm caught in suspension (caught in suspension)
I'm caught in suspension.
We are gaining speed (suspension)
I can barely breathe (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I'm caught in suspension (caught in suspension)
I'm caught in suspension.

Say (say) anything (suspension)
but say what you mean (Oh, I can barely breathe)
I'm caught in suspension.


It's gonna be a heck of a week. This coming week. One week from now, till next sunday.

Have a nice day.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Life as it is..

For the next 10 days or so, it'll pretty much sum up my epsilon and final year as a student here in MMU. FYP submission and auditions/gigs. Sometimes it's not really important how well you start, but how well you finish. When running a race, the toughest part is always the last few meters. And somehow, in life, the toughest problems and challenges always choose to come heading to you at the most crucial moments in your life. Like pastor used to say, 'when it rains, it pours.'

I think I've more or less expressed what I'm going through in those few lines above. heh.

Anyway, yeah. I'd like to thank you for those who came last night. 5 people. Somehow you guys had more belief in us than even myself. heh.

Left the scene straight after our gig. Didn't even bother to look up LMB. Nah. I'm not being emo. I wasn't really mad or anything. Just didn't feel like being there la. Good effort la, guys. heh. Anyway, am still glad we got to sing 'Rain Down'. It always reminds me of the ultimate reason why I do this.

Anyway, I'd like to appreciate here our bassist, Jeff. I think, of all of us, he's the one who put in the biggest sacrifice. The amount of effort of money and time, and all the driving from KL for our pracs, it's awesome. Thanks, dude.

Anyway, I feel like I'm such a selfish brat. I said it before. I'll say it again. When it comes to a point when it collides with abandoning people, yes, I think it's gone too far. I'm so sorry I left you there alone to handle it. It just shows how untrustworthy I am. And I hate that. It was my fault that I got mixed up with the dates at the first place. Sorry.

I still have much to learn about giving.

And about not abandoning people.

Sometimes I question why am I doing all these..

Maybe...

sighz.

I need to go now.