Losing it

Have you ever chased after a dream so much that you end up trying to keep youself sane?

yeah I know going for Delirious did plenty for people. Just check out their blogs. Really happy for you guys. I enjoyed it too. the music and all was awesome. But it did kinda reminded me and made me think of some things...

It reminded me of what I'm chasing after. I used to dream that I'll be able to do what they did. That my drums will give glory to God. That it'll bring people closer to Jesus. It used to be what I worked for.

but...

Sometimes things don't really work out the way you want it to be. Opportunities just don't wanna come knocking on your door. And then you start creating your own out of desperation. And desperation turns into deeper desperation. Untill it starts to eat you. and at the end of the day you might lose your sanity. And you lose your identity. And everything goes horribly wrong.

I've been serving in the church for almost 4 years now. I started playing for services. And till now I'm still playing for services. Huh. As of now I'm probably only on for the choir. Don't even qualify for drums. Probably sorta like a backup I guess. New drummers have come in later than me, and have been handed the priviledge of playing at big stages. Seems like in order to play in big scenes like 2 days ago, you gotta really, really active in church. Join in everything I guess. I dunno. Is it because that I study so far away? Or I'm not really the 'church gang?' Or that I only do the bare minimum? Yes, it's true that I had to go away to penang too. So..sighz....Just really disappointed and frustrated. Some people really have it easy. It's really true. They have opportunities handed to them on a plate. And sometimes they complain somemore.

Stuck and not moving for the past 4 years here. trying my best. But because of circumstances..things just couldn't work out. So...I guess out of desperation I started with this band. tried to make my own opportunities. and i dunno...did it turn into deeper desperation? I started going into secular stuff. I did everything possible just to cater to what it takes. I didn't really care about any standards anymore. Till now. I dunno whether I've lost it or not. Have I lost my identity? Our identity? Have I lost my sanity? I just realized it has started to eat into me. alive. Or is it still ok?

It's just that...I'm really sick and tired of watching people making it. And I'm trying like crap here and nothing seems to work out. If you're gonna say it's ok, it's the matter of serving God from your heart, thanks for the statement, but it also means that you don't know me at all. You know what's one of the worst feelings in this world? It's hopelesness. It's like you've tried everything, and you hit a blank wall, and all you can do is let failure sink in. It's really hurting.

I can't bare to watch anymore...I might just lost it completely...