U- Turn

Few months back before I stepped into penang for my industrial training, I was getting a bit sick and tired of the same things happening around me. Erm. Maybe not really sick and tired. But I just wanted to see things, things outside my little world of comfort. I wanted to know life outside CF, what's it like to be not so tied-down by CF and Church. I wanted to taste it...the feel of being able to do anything on weekday nights..not having to attend meetings after meetings...practices..Maybe subconsciously that was one of the reason I chose to go so far away.

Actually, I wanted to know what's it like being outside the christian circle...

And I think I did...

I did certain stuff......saw certain stuff...experience certain stuff....

Don't worry I didn't try drugs or started smoking or anything. They weren't really wrong..just that it kinda took me further away from God...It's so easy to just forsake Him and be a sunday Christian..And everytime I seem to hear God calling me back to Him...from a distance..but I chose to ignore it....Yea..I got a lil carried away....

And somehow it got harder to respond..and the glitters and glamours around me shone brighter than Him during that time...and I started to wonder whether is it possible to serve God and be succesful in my career at the same time...does having a succesful career mean forsaking serving God? Let's take a look at the facts. Let's say if I were to serve God in church...that means I'd have to attend meetings..practices...most of them take place on weekday nights...and weekends too...that means I'd have no time to pursue my career...no more energy to invest.....

So..I started to ask around...talking to people...

Yea. This one's from Madam Su all the way from penang. I learned that the most important thing its not serving God. It's loving God. Serving without loving, you'd lose focus and burn out pretty quick. But if you love God first, serving will come automatically. And everything else will fall into place eventually. It really opened my eyes. And I'm so glad for that chat. Thank youu..:)

Next, somehow I had the chance to chat with the pastor himself. It was really unique cos all my time at church, I didn't had the chance to have a chance to talk to him. I believe that it was God who led me to him. It was after a meeting somehow I was made to attend, and at the end I found myself with pastor at the back of church. I took the chance to talk to him about this issue I was fighting. It was really encouraging. Pastor actually showed me that it is possible to serve God and be succesful at the same time. And he showed me people from our church as good examples. But most importantly He taught me if we were to honour God, God will honor us even in our workplace too.

Anyway, still I haven't really got in tune with Him yet, even after coming back here in cyber. I knew God was calling me back. I was attending like CF and Church meetings, but my personal relationship with Him was on the rocks. Everytime I know God is calling me back to Him. I know...I know it....

I finally made my decision to make a U-Turn and turn back to God 2 sundays ago. It's really an adventure for me. It's like I took a trip 'out', had a look around, though it felt good sometimes, it never really lasted...and..after being exposed...I know and I'm glad I know..that Jesus is the way to live..Nothing will last forever...happiness lasts a few moments...but joy lasts forever...Having Jesus in your heart brings joy. That was the first thing I felt the moment I surrendered everything back to Him. And hope. And now I'm certain, that Jesus is what I'm living for from now onwards. I know when I get out, the riches and glitters of the world will come shining on me again, and I pray that God will keep my concious clear that time, and make sure that I stick with Him.

Some of us might be facing the same thing...Just a lil encouragement..some of us who are far away from Jesus...sometimes we don't need to feel all tingly during an altar call or need any special conference in order for us to come back....if you feel God calling you back...all you need is just take the step forward and say yes, it's time to come back. Then you'll feel the peace in your heart. And you'll start to smile again. And you'll know you made the correct decision. Try it. ;)

For me, it's just good to be 'home' again. :)

Have a nice day.

Friendships

Friendships...

..cannot be taught..

..cannot be forced..

..cannot grow in an instant...

..grow strong through laughter...

..grow stronger through tears..

..cannot be developed if you have pride..

..means the giving of yourself to another..

..means learning to receive from others..

..is precious..than silver and gold..

To those people who taught me that..Thank you..I know that I learnt it a lil' late...but its ok. At least I've learned about it now.And thank you also...to people who supported me...though not many...heh...but thanks so much...:)

* I wanna play awesome music...Would you help me? ;) *

To Be With You

To Be With You Lyrics
songs and lyrics by Mr Big

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you


really awesome song and words...:)

My Senior Heroes

When I first came into beta year, there were a handful of final year seniors who influenced my life tremendously...their words...their lifestyle...the time they spent with me..and most importantly their encouragement...it's only 3 that I can really remember...People I admire and look up to..:)

Jason Ding:
Though he's just one person, his influence is huge. A room with him and without him, you can tell the difference. He's the person who taught me all about the local music scene, and opened up my eyes to music so much. He made me believe in my dreams, especially when it comes to bands. I'll always remember him saying that you only just need one person to be a band. He showed me that you don't need to be a steve vai or some super power musician to write good songs and sing well. And the encouragements he gave when I was down...


Jack Ling:
Another senior that encouraged me a lot, and still encouraging me till now. :) In his own way, Jack showed his way of leadership and vision in lotsa things. I remember during that time Jack will always be wearing something on his head, with long hair. Haha. Now also still haven't change. Sometimes it's a hat, sometimes a beanie. Never a cap. One thing I was fascinated was his songs. Really awesome. He taught me a lot too.


Daniel Tan:
Hats off to this quiet, smiling senior. He's involved in like dozens of societies...even SRC...vice prez of CF....dunno what else.....yet scoring in his results...and will have the time to sit with you for a cuppa tea if you have a problem. I was really comforted by his smile always, and his 'how are yous'. Though I didn't really get very close to him, he thought me what a senior's supposed to be to juniors. And his wisdom is awesome. Oh ya. He thought me about humility too. :)

Where I wanna be

I wanna be sitting there... On the choir now...maybe its a good thing...But my body itches to hold the sticks..and give it a whack..sighz....My time will come...I hope..

Felt down today. Sure, there were smiles and a bit of laughter. But deep down felt a void within my heart. It's like something is missing...and I'm pretending that it's ok..but it's not....something's wrong with me....

Are there 'almost personal' friends in our lives? It's like a person can be so warm towards you...and keeps asking you about you....and you feel like you can share your entire world to that person...and then the next moment when you ask for advice or anything the person just treats you like you're just a normal friend again....know what I'm saying? heh.

I've shifted my PC out to the hall. Really enjoyed the privacy I had during my stay in Penang, so having my pc out here alone is almost the same I hope. Though it's the hallway, being alone here gives me time and space, and keeps me from distractions.

Internship hasn't left me at all. It's still with me. I've changed my thinking...the way I live...the way I treat people ..all this...because of the impact of my time in PG..Wonder why they nvr ask me to share in CF. nah. Good thing anyway. I probably wouldn't have so many wonderful good stories or testimonies to share. Probably I'd scare everyone with the realities and the type of life I experience outside the protected shield of the CF.

I've come to a point where the number of friends I have doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm looking for true friendship. You can have lotsa friends but they go missing when you need them the most. Yes. You probably heard this dozen of times. I did. But when you experience it by yourself, then only you'd comprehend the meaning and weight of those words.

You know what I always wish to do but never had the chance to? I always wish that I can just lepak with a friend...just the two of us...yes..you who are reading this......mebe we can lie down and see the stars...and just talk about anything...be it personal or not...our dreams...struggles..heh...But I dunno why...mebe there's too much activity around...everyone seems so busy...and if they're not sitting in front of their pc they feel weird...I dunno....

Dowanna make this sound mushy...but when I came uni I always thought that I'd find someone...to love...and to love me back....but not everything will turn out the way you hope for right?

Everything seems to point to God.
God I need you.
I'm messed up. I messed myself up.

Too many thoughts...too many confusions....doubts....choices.....

Have a nice day.

oh cr*p

You scored as Theater. You should be a Theater major! Like a bohemian actress, you are seasoned and confident and not afraid to express yourself! Theater 75% Philosophy 75% Sociology 75% Biology 75% Anthropology 67% Psychology 67% Mathematics 50% English 50% Dance 50% Journalism 50% Engineering 50% Art 33% Linguistics 33% Chemistry 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

Cr*p. I'm so in the wrong course. hehehehe....:p

Disillusioned

..Feels cold... feels empty...

...void...

..laughter outside...

..emptiness inside...

..why? when?...

...disillusioned...

..trying to emulate people too much....

..deliver me.. from all of this madness...



..............................................

Losing it

Have you ever chased after a dream so much that you end up trying to keep youself sane?

yeah I know going for Delirious did plenty for people. Just check out their blogs. Really happy for you guys. I enjoyed it too. the music and all was awesome. But it did kinda reminded me and made me think of some things...

It reminded me of what I'm chasing after. I used to dream that I'll be able to do what they did. That my drums will give glory to God. That it'll bring people closer to Jesus. It used to be what I worked for.

but...

Sometimes things don't really work out the way you want it to be. Opportunities just don't wanna come knocking on your door. And then you start creating your own out of desperation. And desperation turns into deeper desperation. Untill it starts to eat you. and at the end of the day you might lose your sanity. And you lose your identity. And everything goes horribly wrong.

I've been serving in the church for almost 4 years now. I started playing for services. And till now I'm still playing for services. Huh. As of now I'm probably only on for the choir. Don't even qualify for drums. Probably sorta like a backup I guess. New drummers have come in later than me, and have been handed the priviledge of playing at big stages. Seems like in order to play in big scenes like 2 days ago, you gotta really, really active in church. Join in everything I guess. I dunno. Is it because that I study so far away? Or I'm not really the 'church gang?' Or that I only do the bare minimum? Yes, it's true that I had to go away to penang too. So..sighz....Just really disappointed and frustrated. Some people really have it easy. It's really true. They have opportunities handed to them on a plate. And sometimes they complain somemore.

Stuck and not moving for the past 4 years here. trying my best. But because of circumstances..things just couldn't work out. So...I guess out of desperation I started with this band. tried to make my own opportunities. and i dunno...did it turn into deeper desperation? I started going into secular stuff. I did everything possible just to cater to what it takes. I didn't really care about any standards anymore. Till now. I dunno whether I've lost it or not. Have I lost my identity? Our identity? Have I lost my sanity? I just realized it has started to eat into me. alive. Or is it still ok?

It's just that...I'm really sick and tired of watching people making it. And I'm trying like crap here and nothing seems to work out. If you're gonna say it's ok, it's the matter of serving God from your heart, thanks for the statement, but it also means that you don't know me at all. You know what's one of the worst feelings in this world? It's hopelesness. It's like you've tried everything, and you hit a blank wall, and all you can do is let failure sink in. It's really hurting.

I can't bare to watch anymore...I might just lost it completely...