Thoughts Unleashed.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

when the waves come crashing down

Feeling depressive. I get touchy and irritated easily nowadays. Life is not a breeze now. I feel like waves crashing down on me.

Maybe it's the rainy weather here.

Work is like death slowly eating me away. Imagine this. It's break time during work. Same old food again. 5 of us trainees will sit at the same table we sit everyday. Nobody says a word. Everyone just sits and eat watever they have on their plate and ciao. Nobody starts a conversation. Even if they're not eating, they just sit there. Stone.There's nothing to talk about. There's nothing to say.

I feel like working in a grave yard. The usually cheerful me has gradually vanished. To add on with the idleness I face during work, I'm going crazy. Till now, I try to keep myself sane with activities after work. I spend money booking studios to jam, to practice drums. Try going out with people. When even these little comforts are gone from me, I'm left with nothing else. Imagine working in a hell hole for 9 and half hours everyday, and come back to nothing.

I dunno.

The people here who are still in contact with me in penang might see me still making jokes and stuff. But in reality I'm turning into a monster. Irritiation and frustration has caused me to sin. sighz.

sometimes I wanna share it with somebody. But I can't unless that person is special to me. And I can't share also if I'm not special to that someone. It's not wrong to be close with many people. good for that person. But I don't wanna be 'just another of these people' you're close to.I don't wanna be another statistic. that's why whenever I feel like opening up, I close up immediately. It's like giving someone your most precious and favorite dish to taste, and the same person also giving back his or hers, but the difference is many others have tasted that dish too. I feel cheap.

Bah.

all you people who are doing well in wherever you are, my thumbs up to you.

I'll just go eat worms and die.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Fighting myself

I need to learn to cope with knowing there will always be someone better than me, that there's always someone in a better place than I am.

I'm not a typical kiasu fella, if you know me. I don't demand much. I don't always complain about things. In fact, I always accept things as they are and try to live with it.

but..

I feel a strange uneasiness when I see my friends working in better companies, better working conditions, more challenging jobs.

I feel jealousy, and frustration especially when it comes to band matters. I feel those when I see my friends rocking so well in other bands when I'm stuck with what I have and I can't move on no matter what I try. And most of them didn't even try. They just got 'roped in' somehow and started to flow.

Bah.

Maybe work is making me feel like this.

I hate my work place. I'm not learning much, and I'm not doing anything most of the time. I'm doing pathethic work like simple documentations, and it's #$%@#$% when the technicians there don't even acknowledge my existence. When nobody's around, then only they ask me to get watever tools they have from the workshop and @#$%% works.

Being idle makes your mind go crazy. I was so desperate that I actually went to my supervisor and asked for projects and work to do. JUST GIVE ME ANY $%#%# WORK TO DO. ANYTHING. I'LL EVEN WASH THE TOILETS OR SWEEP THE FLOOR. He asked me to wait. yea right. I waited till worked ended. Nothing.

My company treats trainess like sh*t. They only think that trainees are 'just being there so that they can complete their course'. I've spoken to the trainees from other Uni's. It's the same. Engineers there do not involve us in their work. We're not exposed to a life of an engineer at all. How ironic it is when after going for industrial training, we still have no idea what it's like to be an engineer.

My department is the worse. I've hardly learnt anything which can help me in my major. And I'm going crazy. I'll never go back to this @#$@# company.

Oh yea, I'm sick and tired of people commenting that about emo blogs. If you hate blogs which are emotional then get out of here and go read other blogs which have all facts and 'rasional thinking'. ok?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Seeking

I came to penang seeking answers to many questions. And somehow these questions started to pop up in my mind ever more frequently.

Few of my questions are like

Where would I go in the future?

What would I do?

Where would I stay?

Would I ever find a person to love? And who loves me back?

Call it whatever you like. I used to call these people desperate. After being out in the working world, where friends are a handful, then you'd start to understand what I mean.

Anyway, questions started to 'stew' in my mind. I started looking around me. Work place. Church. Engineering. Friends. Money. Opportunities. Promotion.Life partner. More. More. More...

And I started to lose it.

I guess the more I looked, the more I got confused. The more I find it hard to find these answers.I became desperate and depressed. I started to feel hopeless.

I prayed.

Hard.

and prayed again.

Somehow as I prayed, as I started to seek for more, my prayer started to change.

And somehow faith arises.

I started to turn my eyes to a different direction.

Instead of praying of how I can make it in the world,
I started thanking God and praising Him that He loves me.

Instead of praying that I can succeed in the eyes of the world,
I started to pray that I succeed in the eyes of God

Instead of worrying where I would settle down,
I started trusting in His perfect plans for me.

Instead of searching for answers,
I started searching for Him.

and.

Instead of praying that God send me someone suitable for me,
I started praying that God will make me the man suitable for her.

Trust and faith are fragile words.

Even more than precious silver.

Jesus, these are fragile and precious things which I've kept and guarded so tightly for so long.
I open my hand and hand it to you.

Thank you.

:)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Life as a technician

Some stuff on my life as it is, and what's going on in my life.

Many people ask me how's work, and I don't know why I find that hard to answer. Maybe cos it's not that I'm really enjoying, nor am I really hating it. It's just like that. I wonder if it would be something like that for the rest of my life. heh.

Ok, to get this cleared, I'm just gonna briefly describe what I actually do at work. I'm under IC Line Maintanence unit. Everything that has to do with machines and tools going haywire or breaking down, we are the people to call for. Chuah and others are in different departments. He's in PCB assembly unit if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, there are plenty of machines at our line. Big ones. But not really huge ones if compared to other companies. So we're like firemen on hold, heh. Any obstacles, any jams or anything, the workers, or called 'operators' would come to our workshop, which is at one corner of the whole floor and call for 'backup'. Sounds like a SWAT team or something huh. haha.

Other than that, we have to run Preventive Maintanence, PM. It's basically routined rounds of going through machines, cleaning it and whatever other tasks to ensure that the machines are in top condition. Also, there are these metal tools in sizes and shapes to help in work called Jigs. All sorts of jigs. All these need to run PM too.

Documentation is also very important. My company works for other companies, there's why once in a while these companies would send an auditor to audit the system. When there's an audit coming up, every is double checked and make sure it's like real good. Something like our campus, when there's a VIP coming, you know what happens suddenly to our whole uni. :p

Our workshop is used to repair spoiled parts, and also our 'office'. Other people have comps to use with internet, all we have are screw drivers and nuts and spanar. hehe. When everything is done, and all machines are behaving real good, we really don have much to do. So we spent a lot of time talking, and here's where we meet the family of technicians.

There's a team of 5 techs. 4 work shifts. So you cannot possibly meet all of them at the same time.

First there's Mr A, our chief technician. He's been here like for ages. 12 years I think. He's real smart, and there's no problem he can't fix. you can almost classify him as an engineer, maybe. Saw him working on Visual Basic for whole one day before. The problem with him is, he's not really a people person. and he has mood swings. Sometimes he snaps at you, and if he talks to you for more than 10 sentences in a single time, it means he's in good mood. He mumbles, which makes it very hard to understand him the first few days I came in. And the worst thing is, he doesn't really care about my existence. I could be following him all day, and he wouldn't even cared to bother about me. oh yea, try saying 'selamat pagi' to him, all you get is a cold response.
Felt the lashing of his tongue last week when he accused me of stuff I didn't do. Don't get me started on that.

Then there's Mr M. Man, this is the joker of the team. Indian fella. He's the only fella that could get even Mr A cracking up. Talks a lot of crap, and teaching me a lot of bad things. He's the dude who asks me questions like 'Are you still a virgin' or why haven't I get laid and stuff like that. hehe. Got me real laughing everytime he's around. Oh yea, he keeps teaching me how to get a vietnamese operator out for dinner, rent a hotel room and 'socialise'. keke. Crazy fella. But all in all, he likes to explain how machines work and procedures. I learnt a lot from him. He likes to bring you on 'line tours', where he will explain the processes and how things run. Oh ya, he's the only person who really involves me in work. He will make me do the work, which gives me a lot of hands on stuff to do. Maybe he's lazy too. heh. I don't mind. I look forward to his shifts a lot.

Mr J. He's a 2 year old employee from sarawak. Has the nicest personality to mix with. And he regrets not studying more and coming out to work to early. Really interested about engineering and keen to learn. Really like to be around him. And I found out yesterday he's a Christian too!! yup. He's actually married with kids too. Orang Bidayuh. Nice fella.

Mr R. Before I met him, Mr M told us stories about how this fella has a 'jampi'. ( little ghost) He hasn't bought fish from the market for years. Rumor has it that this fella has a jampi to help him catch fish. he'll just go to the river and put his finger in, move it to create puddles. and fish would come swimming to him. He 'pantang' catching more than 9 to 10 fishes, saying the jampi won't help him anymore. Even our fellow techs don't really dare to come to his house.hehe. Was quite scared when I first met him. Dark fella, with the front teeth jutting out. A bit wary at first. But after a while with him, I try not to think about any jampi business and I learnt a lot from him. He's actually a nice guy. Humble and ready to explain stuff to you.

Finally, Mr Z. He's only a little older than me. And he came in like 2,3 weeks before I came in. So he's as new as me. He hasn't been put into shifts yet, cos he's under training. So, he works normal hours like me. We're like best buds-in-training. Oh he's a permanent worker btw. We do almost everything together. He's a quiet fella basically, and when he talks, he talks real fast. It's amazing how fast his tongue can work. keke. So sometimes I need to ask him to repeat a few times what's he saying. We had good talks sometimes, when the boss isn't around. :p And he started to share about problems at his kampung. And we talk about religion and cultures. Thing is, because he's in training, lots of work is given to him instead of me cos I'm oni a trainee. When he goes into shift next week, though I'll miss him, hopefully I get more hands on work compared to now.

Finally there's my real boss, my supervisor. He's in charge of all the technicians I mentioned above. He's a chinese fella. And we have good relations. I thank God that I have a good supervisor. He comes in once in a while when he's free and chats with me, and exposes me to an engineer's life. Learnt a lot from his experience, and from the way he handles his technicians. In fact, come to think of it, I'm probably absorbing more on how people handle people here than how to handle machines here sometimes. heh.

All right, I've blogged a lot. I wonder how are others doing.

Oh ya, just a lil fact and discussion I had with Esther that day.

Guys call girls to find out how they are.
Girls don't call guys.
Girls sometimes call girls too.
Guys usually don't call guys cos it's weird.

Then who calls the guys? Sometimes guys are not as macho and 'i-can-live-by-myself' as you think. One guy friend even said he might just die one day in his room, and nobody won't even notice it. What a sad statement.

Ciaoz.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Updates

Ok. I finally have streamyx connection here. To clear up some questions, nope we didn't use any illegal ideas to get an account. hehe. It was our housemate's sis account. She agreed to let us use her account for this 3 months. So, here we are. With the internet I'll probably get to update this blog more often. Hm. Been wondering how's everyone else doing? heh.


It's getting late. Can't blog anymore. Time to sleep. heh. it's 11.32pm. oh. Bible study at su chen's place was good. We had Nick Lim and Adrian there. Esther joined us today. Awesome.

Drum practice yesterday was awesome. My arm is feeling painful of the vigorous practice I tried yesterday. Thought that they would charge me the entire studio fees,but they only charged RM 10 instead of RM 22. Cool. And the malay dudes came in and we jammed together after they heard me play. Got to know them. Actually invited to jam with those guys anytime. Foo Fighter's fan. Cool.

It's getting late.

Oh yea, another thing.

Nickleback
Far Away
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing
ifI don't see you anymore



On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you,
I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it allI'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up'
Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay'
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and, never let me go

So much more than a song, it is for me.

Life goes on.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Dreams and Visions

Wishes and dreams I used to have, and still have it deep within my heart.

1.) Be involve in whatever huge movement God is bringing to our country
2.) Serve God on the drums, be it in a band, or wherever He places me. ( But if you ask me, I'd want to be part of something like United Live, but for our country of course.)
3.) Write songs which can bless people
4.) Jam with real good musicians
5.) Move together in a band. Pray together.

Notice that I only have 5, and it's mostly stuff to do with music and drumming. Cos these are the only things which I'm confident in. I don't really know what else I'm good at. So, sighz.

Dreams and Visions. Will they one day become true for me?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

No Other

Once again, writing songs is knitted closely with our emotions, our situations. Sometimes I try too hard to come up with something. Wrote this song last weekend, when all my housemates went out. It explains the situation I'm in, and how sometimes we can't live without Jesus.


No Other

verse 1:
Don't you know that He cares for you
Don't you know He looks out for you
Don't you know He'll see you through
He loves you, He always loves you

verse 2:
Can't you see that He hears your cries
Can't you see that He's by your side
Won't you let Him hold your hand
He'll walk you, He'll with walk you

Chorus:
You're ever faithful
You're ever lasting
I can trust my life with you
There's no other I'll find you like you

verse 3:
Have you heard He's the prince of peace
Have you seen He's mighty handall
You need is just reach out
He'll touch you, He'll save you

Bridge:
I'm keeping my eyes on You
I'm holding on to You
You're everything to me

End


I hope whenever this song is played, it will encourage people to turn to God in their times of trouble.

:)